Monthly Family Review

Once a month Amore and I get together to review the month that was and uncover the month that will be.

We usually do this on the last Saturday. We plan a time for ourselves, sometimes at home, many times at the Schoenstatt Sanctuary that is about half an hour away.

This is our favorite spot, as we can have all the privacy we need. The place is beautiful with its surrounding gardens, we can enjoy the view of the snow tipped volcano and have a place for prayer that spreads tranquility.

We follow a pattern.

We begin with a prayer of thanks for the gifts we have received, be they positive or apparently negative. (I say apparently as I have found that even the hardest moments end - perhaps years later, many times sooner - with positive results).

We then review, individually, the previous month.We measure our actions and responses against our objectives; we look at new things that happened or didn't, and we ask ourselves three questions, and write all this down:

• What can I learn from this? (What is God telling me).
• How did I respond? (How did I answer).
• How should I have responded? (How would I have liked to answer Our Lord).

We apply these questions to three scenarios from our lives:
- As a family, as parents and as husband and wife.
- On personal human relationships - friends and relatives.
- Professionally. On our spiritual growth. Both prayer and in regards to action.

We then share those things we believe should be shared.

After this we do something very similar for the coming month - based on what we see coming, and more importantly, regarding our attitude and goals.

Part of this, is that we set aside a time just for ourselves, once every week.
I like films, and eating out (fishing isn't allowed on a night out).
Amore likes museums, plays and concerts. So we combine these, alternating weeks.

Tonight is Amore's turn and we are going to the ballet.

We also plan a specific outings, either one day or the whole weekend, dedicated to the family.

This past February was the trip to the jungle - rafting, kayaking and caving.

We finish knowing we have charged our batteries; we have invested in our relationship and we look to the forthcoming month with optimism and knowing that living each day to the full will be possible as well as delightful.

Boys Will Be Boys

OR ...

Toilet Seats and Loud Noises.

I am sure it is a male thing. We have three boys ranging in age from 9 to 19, and all have these habits (habits my wife has convinced me are annoying).

From the moment they learned how to pee, they leave the toilet seat up. (Why do women leave the toilet seat down?)

They stop listening very quickly, specially when you begin to repeat yourself.

They enjoy their bodily noises, and are quite fluent. It seems to be a question of practice and natural ability.

They love lavatory humor.

They fall asleep with a hand comfortably between their legs.

As they grow older they will probably graduate into the more annoying male habits, but as I told my wife, girls also have their fair share.

An Educated Young Lady

I was leaving work when the phone rang. As I answered a very young voice asked to speak with Daddy.

Although I am on close terms with a few young voices wanting to talk to this Daddy, this wasn't one of mine.

So after exchanging a few sentences I understood it was Michael our friend, she was asking for.

"Your dad has left and is on his way home right now, so you'll see him shortly."

"I am not at home", she went on "You see my mother had an operation on her ... well I don't really know, except that she'll give me a talking to if I tell anyone she did something to her breasts".

"Well thank you and bye-bye".

And that my friends, was Cynthia, Mike's well brought up 5 year old little girl.

Parenting Lessons

With five children and nearly twenty years of marriage, I have come to realize that you do get to know your kids. You get to know how they act, how they think. The differences between each one.

Watching they way they react is fun in a way. Under the same circumstances they come up with completely different results.

But all in all this day to day experience does come with a learning curve. And after a time you find there are a few lessons you can pick up.

* Don't Jump to Conclusions. I love this one. It applies not only to your children and to your spouse, but to everyone. As for your children, you can easily jump to conclusions, because you know them, and they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. And then with a little research you find you have really put your foot into it. It wasn't Jane it was Joe.

* Don't Be Hasty. An easy way of looking at this is: Slow down, I'm in a hurry!

* Don't Judge. This is my all time favorite. Perhaps because I`m tempted to do this. It really makes a difference on your outlook, how you act or react, the outcome and above all the future relationship. If you judge a person, you have in effect closed the doors. Judgment implies a guilty / not guilty stance.

- Not guilty, which is far easier to live with, is an OK, a good mark. (But still implies the other went through a process where there was doubt).
- As for guilty, well, some sort of sentence will come forth. From forgiveness to outright life sentencing.
- With a little effort, based on awareness of one`s mental process, the end results of looking at the whole picture will have a better chance of positive results, with a long term relationship intact. In addition to that personal, long term view, this allows you to be much more objective. This objectivity, even if it sounds a contradiction in terms, allows for the personal approach as the decision making can take into account individual needs and impulses, without the emotional weight of a judgment.

Having said all that, there are moments when a parent reacts with what seems a contradiction to all the above. It is a fast reaction and appears impulsive. In actual fact, it can be an intuitive reaction. A parent's intuition, and notice this implies not only a woman's, but also a man's intuition (but that is a subject for another blog), is based on reading the signs very quickly, and most of these are the non verbal kind. This reading of the signs is contrasted with the knowing of the person.

And the point I am trying to make with a parent's intuition, is that:

* Don`t discard it. Look into it.
* If there is smoke, there is fire. If you as a parent, feel there is something wrong, it usually means you are reading the hidden signs. Trust your self and your feelings, then apply the don't jump to conclusions and don't judge rule.
* Once you have perceived the feeling, the intuition, review it consciously.

A couple of examples on intuition.
1. We felt something was going wrong with P., before having any kind o proof or knowledge. Amore, had the strong "intuition".
2. We recently had to make some choices with C., our middle child. I just didn't feel comfortable with the obvious one, but couldn't put why into words. We went with the obvious, and really messed it up. What did help though, is we were able to correct very quickly as I had my doubts previously so I was ready for a quick reaction.

So, in a nutshell: Trust your intuition, don't judge, don't jump to conclusions and slow down - you are in hurry.

Wake Up Call

Every morning a giant awakes with a slow, lazy stretch of the limbs that begin to gather speed.

That’s us. Our family. Every morning at six o’clock “Amore” wakes up, sleepily kisses me good morning and begins her day.

Shortly I go to the boy’s room and spend five minutes or so trying to wake them up; then the girls’ room.

As I hug V., her dog, a jealous fiend, tries to squeeze in between our arms. V. laughs as she tightens her arms round my neck, knowing full well I am about to get a slobbering gush of foul breath straight into my face.

Another round of hugs to E. and I am now running late.

“Amore” is in the kitchen doing her things with breakfast and reminding us all to make our beds, let the dog out, pick up the laundry, brush up, get dressed and hurry up.

The giant is picking up speed as I chase one of my socks that, for the umpteenth time, is caught in the jaws of the tiny hound. Things get worse as everyone jumps in to help and we all end up in a rude tangle of arms and legs.

Someone, me, shouts out in pretend rage, as my face is squashed against the carpet. Strange and indistinct noises slip out. The worst part is the soothing kisses I receive on my bald spot, and the cootchie-coo sounds I hear. To top it all, my youngest starts bouncing off my middle; this causes an immediate reaction in the form of further strange noises. This usually untangles us in a hurry.

Breakfast is over very quickly and we rush out of the house. The giant is leaving home.

The family is ready to take on the whole world as we leave with a smile on our faces, a song on our lips and the memory of another wake up call in our hearts.

My Muse -

I will be sharing some highlights, good and bad, but rarely boring, that arise in my family and surroundings. Family and parenting will be the underlying theme.

Thoughts on youth, marriage, relationships, the beginning of my fifty something.

Society, including addictions, eating disorders.

Things I see, things I think, things I trust.

A bit of nature, a few books, films that strike a chord, articles and even a few fishing trips.

As a father of five, (from 9 to 19), adventures and activities are part and parcel of my life.

As I reflect on the past, but more importantly on the future, you may find a few ideas and tips. You may agree or not; you may find some thoughts useful, others useless - but at the end of the day, these pages will reflect one man´s point of view over a brief span of time.

The major character here is "Amore". The woman who agreed to share my life twenty years ago. I am the only one who calls her this, my one and only lasting temptation, an eternal reminder of our honey moon in Venice, Italy. "Amore Mio".

She may not appear in many articles, but she is my muse.